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I remember well the
college orientation sessions I’ve attended as a parent,
and what I remember most is talk about the college
“experience” that our kids were headed for. And I
knew that our kids had worked hard on grades, SAT’s,
ACT’s, application essays and requesting letters of
recommendation just to be accepted . . . all so that
they could have this “experience.”
I’m not naïve either.
Not only are the college freshman today feeling pressure
to know their career path, plan for the future, and keep
the HOPE money coming; they also have lots of
opportunities and pressures in a wide variety of social
situations. In general, it’s a lot of fun, a lot of work
and there’s a lot of room for growing and making
decisions.
Three basic challenges
for freshman are:
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1) |
Fitting in.
It’s hard to leave your security net of friends and
family. The opportunities for new friends and groups
are everywhere and sometimes. Finding a group where
you feel comfortable isn’t always easy. |
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2) |
Balancing
socializing and working. There are lots of
distractions with so many people, parties, places to
go, things to do, and those necessary classes. |
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3) |
Knowing when help
is needed. There is help all around the new
student – help for studying, help for managing time,
help for just being overwhelmed and confused.
Getting help at the right time can prevent problems
from snowballing. |
What to do when faced with these challenges? Develop
new interests meet new people and discover new
places – while remembering the purpose of being
in college is to get an education.
Prioritize while you
participate. No one can do everything that if
offered and it is less overwhelming to narrow your
focus. Lots of young people find their passion in
college by trying something new.
Personalize the
experience. Even in a big school, each student can
find their own group of friends through a club,
organization, sports, hobbies, student government,
campus ministries or volunteering in the community.
Adults that make things more personal for the student
may include the advisor or even the professors.
It may take the first
semester to get into the rhythm of college -- balancing
the study and play and work and friends and money. If
the first two weeks are creating culture shock, take a
deep breach and look for a grounding point. Don’t ignore
an overwhelming problem, even if it is homesickness;
remember there is plenty of help at college.
College is a great time
of independence. But just because you’ve left home and
those parental rules and restrictions that are
associated with being at home – don’t think you are
totally independent! That takes practice – and that is
part of the “College Experience.” The college student
gets to practice thinking for oneself and taking
responsibility for one’s actions while taking advantage
of a whole new world! |
That “empty nest syndrome” label is usually
applied to those parents whose children
have left the home, and that is usually
after high school as the kids go off to
their life at college. The idea of freedom
applies to parents as well as the college-bound!
Parents feel less confined; they have a
lot more free time; there’s less noise,
less loud music, no fights for phone or
computer time . . . or the car. Along with
these positive things come some feelings
of loss as conversations in clued phrases
like, “It sure is quiet around here,” or
“I can’t believe how little the two of us
eat,” or “I keep expecting the kids to come
home after school.”
Three challenges for
parents are identified by experts:
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1) |
Feeling a void. These feelings of emptiness can
be physical and emotional. Maybe the parents don’t
feel needed anymore since they aren’t involved in
the day-to-day lives of their young people. |
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2) |
Feeling left out. Once the kids are in college,
parents don’t know the details of their son’s or
daughter’s whereabouts each day and don’t know about
their new friends. |
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3) |
Relinquishing control. You gotta let go – and
sometimes even keep you mouth closed! A lot of
strain comes when every decision the student makes
is questioned and torn apart by the parent. |
There are some ideas for parents that may make this
transition easier for them, too:
How about taking up an
old hobby that was put aside due to lack of time while
child-rearing? It may even be the time for a parent to
make big strides in his or her own career.
Parents have to once again become Jane and John, the
couple, and not just Suzy and Tim’s parents. As the
children become adults, they want more privacy and the
relationship with parents becomes more adult-to-adult.
Discussions about values should have happened throughout
the child’s life, and the foundation of those values
would go to college, too. Sometimes, though, young
people may face new situations or even a familiar
situation with new people and a discussion about how to
handle different events can be helpful. Try to do this
without moralizing or criticizing . . . the conversation
will move along more smoothly.
If the student has individual needs that require
assistance, parents should learn about resources that
are available to the student. A learning disability or
physical limitations are examples that may require
additional resources.
Plan ahead for the move into the dorm or apartment --
the local stores are really crowded and may be sold out
of necessities on moving day. If you are the sole source
of money, help your college student plan how he or she
will manage the checking account, the phone bill and the
spending money. Talk seriously about credit cards and
all of the opportunities the student will have to make
decisions concerning money.
Be specific about expectations – do you, the parent,
want a phone call once a week or every other day? Do you
expect your student to come home for Aunt Lucy’s
birthday party even if it is a big ballgame weekend?
Make your plans and talk it out – understand that you
may have to reach a compromise.
Know that mistakes will be made – by parents and kids –
it comes with the territory and is part of that
wonderful “College Experience!” And the “Empty Nest” may
be cozier than you first thought! |
